That's right it is October again. This has historically been my favorite month of the year. Not only do I have my birthday on the 21st but ten days later is my favorite holiday! Though this year Halloween has just become one more thing to stress about...because of money or more appropriately a lack thereof. I've never been one to buy pre-made costumes. I put stuff together for my kids..usually thanks to great thrift store finds. It's always more fun and creative that way and the costumes look way better. Even that costs something though and this month I have less than nothing.
This October, I am not overly excited (though it is nice to have a break in the mind-numbing heat). I am turning 36 and all I can think is "where did the time go??" I live in an apartment that is very likely a good part of the reason I am so sick and weak nearly every day. I am way in over my head financially. I am on permanent disability, etc. This is NOT where I was supposed to be at 36! I had plans, goals, dreams...potential. Now look at me, it's a good day if I take a shower/change clothes :^(
I don't have birthdays like most people I know. I don't have parties, I don't get a bunch of presents. Most of my friends have moved on (I've learned that people get tired of waiting around for you not to be sick. I was told by a cancer research doctor that I used to chat with online that it is hard for people to be around someone that is injured or ill because it reminds them of their own mortality...I guess that makes sense, but it is still sad)
I usually get a present from my sister and she takes me out to dinner. Oh and I usually get myself some little something from my kids and they always make me a card...which I love! I don't mind not having a typical birthday for the most part. Of course it would be nice to get presents, but I would probably just end up taking things back and using the money for stuff I have to do. So it's not really a big deal. The last few years I've had to ask my sister if she can just give me the cash she planned to use to buy me a present to pay off some pressing bill instead. It is rather humiliating, not exactly a time of celebration.
Dinner is always the best part. Last year we didn't go out. Instead, we had a fondue party (her family and mine) in her kitchen *smile*. I decided that with her having a 2 and 4 yr old and my 6yr old having an ASD involving all kinds of sensory sensitivities, going to a sit down restaurant would just be a disaster waiting to happen. I had just bought a fondue set off ebay for $15 (it was my little birthday splurge) so I asked if she wanted to do a fondue party. The kids got such a kick out of it! I was a little sad that I had a boyfriend for the first time in 6 1/2 yrs and he didn't get me anything for my birthday (not even a card). But, the food was tasty, we had a lot of fun and all-in-all it was a pretty great birthday :^)
I am grateful for what I have, I know it may not sound like it. I know there are people that can't have kids and don't have families at all. I guess we all had ideas growing up of what our lives were going to be and this is one of the big times of year that I find myself mourning the loss of the life I once had and more importantly longing for the start of a better one.
